At some point over the past two years, I cancelled the virus protection on both my laptop and my desktop computers. I won’t get into the reasons why because it involved a disagreement with another person whom I vowed I would never use this blog to defame. Antivirus software is a lot like insurance – you buy it hoping you never have to use it and if you go without it for a long time and don’t need it, complacency sets in. But if you get caught without it, you really wish you had it. Just like living without insurance for your heath, home, or auto, eventually you will pay the price for not having some kind of virus protection for your PC. For the past six months or so, I have been meaning to purchase TrendMicro, Norton, or some other brand of security software, but I haven’t had any viruses for a long time and it’s easy to put off paying $50 a year for a service you haven’t needed in a while. When my streak of good luck ended on Thursday night, I was, shall we say, less than pleased. I was blaming everybody I could think of for this turn of events: the aforementioned individual I will not defame, the punk who wrote the virus, and even the antivirus software companies for charging so much for their service. When I woke up on Friday and I realized that my system really took a hit and I would have to go through the great hassle of formatting my hard drive and reinstalling Windows and all my software I became very irritable. I was snapping at everybody for everything – all over something that was really my fault.
This annoyance with the computer virus was magnified when you consider that I haven’t really felt like myself the past few weeks. I try to be very open about the fact that in the past few years I’ve dealt with moderate depression. Those of you who are close to me know why, and it’s something of an understatement to say I’ve had my difficulties since 2008. Over the past six months, I’ve done a lot to transform myself and this has dramatically improved my mental state. I have improved the stress level of my day-to-day life, I’ve started eating right and exercising, and I make it a point to do things that will keep my mind sharp (ie: reading scholarly monographs, writing in my blog) for the day my exile ends and I return to academia. For the past few months, I had been feeling really good and even went off of my antidepressants. On May 7th, however, I was temporarily laid off from my job at the Furman University Dining Hall because they need less help during the summer. Financially, it’s not easy, but at least I am drawing unemployment. But I’ve found that without the structure of having to get up in the morning and go to a job, the wheels fall off. I sleep too much, become lazy, and eventually depressed. Thankfully, I go back to work in a week to work during Furman’s robust camps and conferences schedule. Relief from the lack of structure is on the way, but that’s really not the issue if you’re thinking big picture. The fact is that I am not where I want to be in life – which is back in school pursuing my academic career. There are days when getting where I want to be seems so far away that it be should be measured in light years.
There a few steps I need to take. Obviously, I have to reapply to graduate school, which involves filling out forms, sending out writing samples, writing personal statements, have transcripts mailed, and visiting schools and professors. But the first thing I need to do is take the GRE. This week I scheduled the exam for July 20 (at 1 p.m.) and the stress has become visceral. Basically the GRE is like an advanced version of the SAT that you have to take in order to be admitted to just about any graduate program. I have studied and memorized close to 500 relevant vocabulary words to address my weaknesses on the verbal section. But the math section is another matter entirely. I sat down on Saturday afternoon and cracked open the GRE prep book and turned the math section. An hour later, I felt overwhelmed and was near tears. It’s been 9 years since I took the GRE, 13 years since I’ve taken any math class, and 16 years since I’ve had any algebra (a key skill set on the GRE). I have long since forgotten how to execute most of the quantitative problems on the test. I became angry and was snapping at people (my poor mama) and acting like a complete jackass. Suddenly I had decided that I wasn’t going to be able to do well enough on the GRE to get into a good graduate program and so I would be stuck cooking pizzas for the rest of my life. Combine that with my frustration and lashing out over the computer virus and I was really in rare form. Does this sound silly to you?
I guess we all get like that from time to time and, clearly, I needed a break. I went and exercised, which included walking two miles briskly and running one. It cleared my mind and helped me to realize that perspective might be the most important thing to have when you are dealing with a rough patch in your life. In reality, the GRE is just one small hoop I have to jump through on the way to getting a Ph. D. I might not be a math whiz, but I’m not stupid either. Yes, I’ll be able to become proficient enough to score moderately well on the math section. Furthermore, most history programs look at the verbal score more than the math – so why was I acting like a jerk over something that doesn’t really matter all that much in the big picture? Because I lacked perspective. I didn’t lose anything on my computer. Nothing. So why was I letting a computer virus make me an ass when I really only had myself to blame? Again, no perspective. It’s not that big of a deal. Don’t take yourself so seriously, Chris. Geez.
What’s more, I have much to be excited about. I am doing SO much better than I was this time last year. While getting what I want out of life is not yet in my grasp, I am much closer than I was twelve months ago. In early June of 2010, I had just completed my MA, and pretty much crawled across the finish line, lucky to have finished in one piece. Since then, I’ve published a peer-reviewed article, which will go along way when it comes to grad school applications. Furthermore, I have completely cleaned up my diet, gotten in better shape (always a work in progress), and lost in excess of 80 pounds. This has probably added 20 to 30 years to my life. I feel better physically than I’ve ever felt. If a year ago, you’d told me that I’d even be capable of jogging a mile I would told you that you were crazy. The strides I have made concerning my health really can’t be measured and I’m very proud of what I have done. While my personal life still has really messy and confusing moments, quite frankly I am so much better in that area than a year ago that it’s really hard to describe in words.
Perspective – it’s a wonderful thing. It can turn you from a gloomy and depressed malcontent to hopeful, confident, and downright effervescent individual.
Now, if only I could do something about the Cubs. But, hey, I’m not a miracle worker.
Hang in there, Chris. This economy is tough on everybody.
hey i just thought i’d check this out,…i’ve been reading your posts and i’m so proud of you! Stacia
Hi! im glad i read your post. I am currently feeling depressed with GRE too.
life has really been stressful and gaining weight too 😦 feeling down and feeling nothing is going right. So i wonder now, did u take ur GRE already?